The start of the beginning or the middle of the beginning...

Two weeks ago I started this post "Today starts a day full of excitement and energy for Life. A prospect of a Healthy family that can tackle any health challenge that may come. With faith in our amazing body's God has given us and the great information and resources that are occurring everyday...." This isn't anything grand, but I logged in this morning, and was surprised to see that I had already logged in this month. It's been a very long time since I posted anything. I clicked on the beginning of the post and was surprised to see that I had sat down for the very same reason today that I did 2 weeks ago... to begin charting my journey. It's sad how my brain is working and I really hope to reconnect things before it's too late, but you never know that it's too late until you have exhausted all your resources.

I have had the thoughts pounding through my head that I need to keep track of what I'm learning and document it for myself. ALSO I keep reading and learning things that I'm thinking to myself.. oh my gosh! I wonder if "so-and-so" knows this, or this is just what might help "so-and-so"
But there is something about all of us humans and timing... I wish it wasn't true, I wish that we could just always be 100% or know everything all the time, but it's just not the way life seems to work out. It's the CLIMB... it's the journey in life that makes our decisions so impact and meaningful in our lives.

I have been on a health journey for a long time. With all long treks it has been filled with obstacles, new people coming and going, stops along the way, hills to climb, beautiful visas, and harsh weather. It's hard to even think about everything at once because it hurts to much. Sometimes it's my pain that makes me cringe, sometimes it's the struggles of others that I wasn't able to alleviate. But there is definitely one thing that I can say for sure, and that is that through all the good and bad I have learned so much about life, love and the amazing grace of a Heavenly Father who loves his children.

I'm not sure I'm ready for everyone to know "ME" but I just feel an overwhelming feeling to put this out there. There are some that I wish wouldn't know anything about me, others that might be mean or cruel, but for the 1 person that I might help along this journey I will put up with the rest.

I am going to keep this record to help me and to help others along the way.  What started out at a plea to loose weight at the beginning has ebbed and flowed with success and purpose. I can pinpoint different markers in my life where things were good, things felt in balance and life was good in my head, and I can see those times I was lost and struggling to enjoy even a hug from one of my dear children.

My recent journey started as an "all chips on the table" approach to finally look in the mirror and see the person who I have been looking for for so long. I have endlessly tried to loose weight all my life!
recently With my diagnosis of Hashimotos (that I have been going to doctors for 8 years to try to figure out, and 5 years specifically asking to be tested for thyroid issues) more about that later! I have researched a little that low carb, gluten free lifestyle was the way to go, cutting out all sugar as well, then I had people around me trying out this "keto" diet, which i drug my feet in the mud before being willing to "start a new diet" I basically promised myself I wouldn't do that again. But I really felt it was best for me, I have worried about gluten intolerance for years and have gone off gluten for short periods of time but didn't know what results to look for as I was always 100% focus on losing weight... I felt that if I could lose weigh all my problems would vanish... I have always been self tortured by this problem!
Going back in my memory's to years and years ago...

I was what we call now "Bullied" and teased for my weight all my life as young as elementary school. Slammed up against a garage door in the neighborhood by Laura Bean as she proceeded to tell me that I was too fat. (yes it was so traumatic that I could go back to the exact location, and yes though I moved away when I was 10 years old, I still remember her name.) And within a short time I specifically remember a dear friend writing me a letter, I was in 5th grade, where she informed me that It was ok that I was Chubby( which when you are in 5th grade, is NOT ok to be called that) She would now likely barely hit my shoulder and her weight probably hovers around 100lbs... I was different then and that was bad. I was reminded over and over in 100 ways that I was different and that was bad. I remember 8th grade they weighed everyone in Gym class and told everyone your height and weight out loud. specifically remember being 5'8' and 128lbs... I shouldn't remember these things... it's insane, I can't remember things for a grocery list that I wrote yesterday, but trauma is different, it's scaring .... I can't forget them. I spent alot of my time in middle school and high school praying. I spent alot of time trying to balance my pull to stand out with my desire to not be the object of attention. When you are in the public eye (whatever your "public" is) you are under scrutiny.  I loved sports and being active, but couldn't handle failure or imperfection. It was easier to not do something than to fail trying... this was my high school/middle school life. It held me back from pushing myself, I didn't understand it then, and I'm just now starting to recognize it. And I'm learning alot about myself. But I had a deep understanding that while I may have failed to meet the expectations of those around me, I had a Heavenly Father that loved me and heard my prayers. I knew somehow that he heard and answered my prayers, and in many ways as the scriptures say he would go before me. I was able to push myself in someways that I felt inspired to do, that I felt a burning to do, in other ways, I just didn't have what it took to push myself. 

So now I find myself 36 year into life, still struggling with the same things that I was plagued with years ago, struggling with my weight and feeling like that will be the answer to all my problems, but I'm learning now that the only thing that I had right then was this: I was different, and I have a heavenly Father that loves me and has great need for me on the earth at this time.

If your reading this I hope that you can learn 2 things today: You are different, and thats ok!!! And your heavenly Father loves you and has a great need for you on the earth at this time!!

I don't have any answers for weightless in this post, But I am learning so much about what can help our bodies to be healthy. And it's not the food pyramid (I don't know why I question everything else the government is doing yet believed the food pyramid) , it's not calories in calories out (the most insane lie that I have fallen for!) But I have learned that the food we eat is either killing us, or helping us to thrive. When I started looking at things this way it was amazing the mental clarity that came to my mind. While I started out on this journey with Keto guidelines, I know that everyone's journey will look different, and that DIFFERENT IS OK!!! I am slowly finding what is helping me to personally thrive and succeed. I think I have been waiting for a magic potion that swooshes away fat and sadness and that won't happen.

Through my journey I will share about working with different doctors. I will share all my favorite podcasts and information that I have researched on the web. None of it can be considered medical advice, but what I have found is that when you hear the truth for you a seed is planted, when you hear a lie a seed is planted you just have to decide which you are going to provide your scarce resources to nourish!

So far My husband and I have been eating a meat and plant based diet. We have included dairy as well, but some of the family began eliminating dairy this week to see if that will help some of the health concerns that are plaguing us. I am one of those people.  I have physical pain all over my body from the 2 inched above the base of my hairline on my neck to my toes. Over the past year I have increased chiropractic and myropractic appointments in hopes to alleviate the pains. Many of the pains have been corrected and others have gotten worse. 

Massage is something I have also increased, to the point where a few weeks I have gone twice to get a professional massage because the pain was so emotionally hard to handle. Relaxing is very difficult for me. I have also began adding Yoga to my weekly routine and I love it! I also have given myself permission for relaxing and cutting out stress or even just daily routine in the effort to balance life. I matter, my family matters and I have let some of my household responsibilities slack and that was a huge help in my personal journey of peace. 

My fingers hurt currently and I am going to sign off. 

Today is Sunday, I plan to hug all of my kids, cut out extra distractions, ask the Lord what he would have me do this week for myself, my family and someone else. 

I had a sad awakening this morning as I thought of the times I have asked the Lord why I have struggled with one thing or the other, why he hasn't guided me to the write place, the write person for answers, the exact miracle that I would need to solve all my woes... and I thought of what our family has gone through, even things that they kids don't know they are going through. My kids have learned to do and be more, my relationship with my husband is amazing and he has had chances to serve and sacrifice for me that have bonded and strengthened us. I have learned to let go of so much, and to empathize and gain compassion for others. I see things and people differently. 

If you are reading this while struggling, see what good you can pull from the rubble, from the pain and from the sacrifices... this will help you gain gratitude and perspective.